So bedtime has turned into a slightly more complicated routine as of late. I wasn’t going to talk about bedtime but I have just spent the last hour thinking about nothing but bedtime while patiently waiting for them to both just GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!
8:00pm rolls around. It’s bedtime. It’s past bedtime actually but I decided to give Picky McNoeat one more chance to finish off her dinner (She didn’t). We all gallop into the bedroom and pajamas are on and everyone is snuggled in Hanna’s bed, the lights go off and everything is quiet. FOR ABOUT 15 SECONDS. Armenie sits up and points wildly to her own bed across the room and I have no choice but to oblige since my refusal leads to screaming which in turn gets Hanna worked up. We start the dance. I get up, lay Armenie down her bed and start rubbing her back, and as soon as it gets quiet and she might actually be asleep, Hanna starts crying and complaining that she wants me which starts my heart breaking into a million pieces.
Because I’ve already been having a lot of guilt lately about the amount of attention Armenie gets vs the amount of attention Hanna gets. How do you ever find a balance?
But anyway, this of course wakes Armenie back up, so we try to all cuddle again in the big bed. Not 5 minutes later, Armenie has scratched Hanna in the face and we’re back at square one. The dance between two beds goes on for an hour, all the while I am softly promising Hanna I’m going to cuddle her as soon as Armenie is asleep, pleading with her to just stay quiet, just please be a big girl.
Of course by the time A is finally asleep, Hanna is too and I am left feeling like a giant asshole because all she wanted to do was snuggle with me. I notice that lately she is trying so hard to be patient, SO HARD. She is lashing out at Armenie less and less and coming to me more and more when she has a problem and I recognize that it must be so difficult because truth be told, Armenie can be kind of a jerk (cough, cough, that’s an understatement).
I’m so proud of the way she’s growing and I feel like that’s slipping through my fingers. I used to have so much time to spend with her. When she was Armenie’s age, it was just her and I all the time. Library adventures, coffee shop dates, and so so so much quality time. It makes me sad that I have to deny her simple things like quiet cuddling at bedtime because I have to deal with Armenie. It makes my heart hurt. It’s not fair. She knows it too and I can hear it in her voice when she calls out across the room in the dark “Mama, I just want you….” Complicated little people, with delicate feelings.
We were lucky though, to have had the whole day off together for BC’s first Family Day. A most excellent excuse for us to spend a whole day together.
I, of course had grand ideas of doing a photoshoot with Hanna downtown while we were checking out the festivities but the rain was cold and so was Hanna. We didn’t last long, just long enough for Hanna to get her face painted like a cat. So when we got home we did quick little one flash set up with our trusty Joe McNally easybox by Lastolite while Armenie napped and furthered our quality time together. She was just stoked because I bribed her with chocolate. No shame, ha.
WHAT A LOVELY LITTLE KITTY.
I have to say, it feels good to be shooting so much. I feel like I’m at this point where it’s just all starting to come together and I actually feel excited about something other than my children. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are pretty exciting but even Hanna has her own passions (like cats). It’s been hard to find the time on stretches where I’m working a lot but I have to start putting in more effort because the more time I spend doing it, the more it’s paying off. I’ve never been inspired like this. I’ve never had such an effective medium.
also LOVE LOVE LOVE for Phanie for my lovely watermarks!!!